


Moving on

by lichtertanz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode 3x15, Episode Related, Good time for hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Moving In Together, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 07:44:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lichtertanz/pseuds/lichtertanz
Summary: Some epiphanies for Magnus after he finds himself definitely 'not jealous' about that smarty Underpants. Also thanks to the advice of Catarina and Madzie. Set in episode 3x15 of Shadowhunters before Alec and he talk about finding a new place to live together.





	Moving on

> _"I want to make coming home your favorite part of the day. I want to leave tiny little words lingering in your mind, on nights when you’re far away and can’t sleep. I want to make everything around us beautiful; make small things mean a little more. Make you feel a little more. A little better, a little lighter. The coffee is warm, this cup is yours. I want to be someone you can’t live without. I want to be someone you can’t live without.”_ ― Charlotte Eriksson

 

"Magnus Bane, I can hear you overthinking." Catarina refilled his Oolong Tea, observing him more cautiously than the hot brew in her hand. 

Her friend shook his head very slowly, almost beyond recognition. "Don't worry. I'm fine. Has Madzie still troubles to sleep?" He had come to visit her and Cat this evening, while Alec was still busy dealing with the aftermath of the deadly tensions between the vampires and wolves.

The nurse smiled at him fondly, but in the end not believing a single word. After centuries of knowing each other she was perfectly aware how Magnus had mastered the art of deflection better than any Shadowhunter could ever do with the corresponding rune. Also putting his concerns for others first before looking after himself seemed a timeless trait, immortality or not.  

"Madzie is doing a lot better." Cat answered truthfully. The first days had been terrible after the failed kidnapp attack of Iris. The little girl had often woken up screaming in the middle of the night, since the woman still hounded her dreams. But this week she had been able to sleep through until the morning hours. 

Magnus let out a breath of relief but the feeling of being responsible continued to make his heart ache.

"How was your first day staying at the Institute?" Catarina interrupted the spinning wheel of guilt inside him. 

"It was..." Magnus took a sip of his tea, holding the cup tightly in his hands. "...quite alright." 

"I can imagine it wasn't the most pleasant experience, knowing how many dumbasses are still wandering the halls with a shitty attitude towards us." 

Catarina was still angry as hell that Lorenzo had taken Magnus' home hoggishly, even though her friend emphasized every time that it was his choice. Maybe it was a way of trying to cope with the loss of control. 

"The whole situation ..." Magnus inhaled sharply, thinking about how he felt lost, similar to the magic pacing inside his body up and down like it had not place to go. "Uhm..it probably requires a little time to get used to it." 

"How is Alec doing?" 

"He tries to make it work..." The Warlock answered hesitantly. "Well you know how it is...Even as a great leader your power is not endless." 

He internally scolded himself because this came out almost like an apology for limitations of his boyfriend. This was the last thing he wanted to convey after everything Alec had done. So he quickly added "Especially when you have to find your way out of hundreds of obsolete traditions." 

Cat nodded. "At least you have each other to help you through." 

"Yeah...I guess." Magnus starred at the tea in front of him, avoiding to look at her. 

Feeling his inner struggle she moved closer and took his hands. After everything they had been through especially now was not the time to carry it alone, despite long-established habits.

"Magnus, talk to me." 

Not quite knowing what he felt the Warlock stammered  "I just...I wish..."  The pounding in his head seemed getting louder and louder with every passing hour. 

"Alec should not be in this situation, even if it is just temporary. He shouldn't be forced to let me stay there..." Magnus sighed. 

Cat couldn't follow: "Nonsense. I'm sure Alec loves having you there and taking care of you. He adores you."

"Don't you get it?!" Magnus voice got louder, filled with frustration. "I shouldn't be there. Not after...not after what I did."

"What do you mean?" 

Magnus closed his eyes, thinking back just weeks ago. "He recently asked me to move in together in my...in the loft but I said no. I hurt him, Cat. I ..." Standing up from the couch he began to move up and down the room. "This...everything...it is not fair to him. He should not have to deal with my mess. Especially now while he is under special surveillance of the ludicrous clave." The warning words of Underhill were also still echoing in his mind.  

Cat stayed silent for a moment, processing the new information: "Why did you say no?" 

_We will be even closer._

_There is no such thing._

"I..." Magnus flinched his hands. "I have been asking myself this question a lot lately." 

"And have you come up to the conclusion? I mean I am aware it is quite early in your relationship..."

"It's not that." The Warlock stated, leaving surprisingly no doubt for a discussion. "It's because..." 

He couldn't speak it out. 

_There is no such thing._

Alec would realize it. The sooner they shared a living place for real, the sooner it would hit him.

"Magnus?" 

"...I don't want to lose him. I want him to stay." He whispered quietly. 

Cat looked at him confused. "So let me get this straight? You push him away because you want him by your side? That sounds..."

"I know..." Magnus groaned, angry with himself. "I know...it sounds stupid." 

"Maybe." Cat stood up too and stopped in front of him. "I don't understand why moving together would drive him away?" 

"Because..."

 

_Why does Lightwood waste his time with a Downworlder, especially Bane?_

_Look at them. Thinking they are above the law..._

_I give them half a year, when the first sparkles are gone, they are history._

 

Magnus had heard it all this morning. The nasty comments and hateful glances behind his and Alec's back or sometimes directly to him. And the worst thing was that they resonated. 

They resonated with this voice inside his head. 

"Because Alec would realize sooner than later...that he and I are too different indeed. That considering everything ... our relationship is not worth all the trouble it brings with it. That he deserves something better." 

 

_Someone more suitable._

_Someone more stronger._

_Someone other than me._

 

"Satisfied? Now can we stop talking about this?!" Magnus lashed out but feeling instantly sorry for his outburst.

"Oh Magnus." Cat swallowed hard. This was it. His inner demons, fueled by raging self-doubts and the fear of being left behind, were fighting to get an upper-hand and resurrect the smashed wall around his heart. Not on her watch. "You literally went to hell and back for him. And I have absolutely no doubt: Alec would do the same for you. Without hesitation. Moving in together won't change that."

"You don't know that." 

"I do. If so ... it will only bring you closer." Catarina tried to encourage him.

"Alec said the same." Magnus admitted still seeing his joyful look on the face of his boyfriend when he had brought up the subject. "How can you be so sure?" 

"Because ..." She gathered her thoughts. "I have seen it already...when Alec was hurt by the owl...when you two stayed in my guest room after I healed him...you basically were living together all day and night long. And still whenever I checked on you both of you were goggling at each other with the most ridiculous hearty eyes I have ever seen. So you are right, I am hundred percent convinced that you, Magnus Bane, and Alec Lightwood are going to rock this thing when you make it official. Besides when was the last time to woke up without him by your side anyway?" 

The Warlock tried to remember. He tried really hard. "Touché. When you sum it up like that my hesitation sounds a little foolish indeed." Magnus groaned. "Ugh....I' have not excelled in making very good decisions lately."  

Cat smiled at him, feeling she got through somehow. "Well my friend... maybe it is time to change that." 

"But what if he doesn't want to move together anymore? I mean I wouldn't blame him.." 

"Magnus?" A tired little girl peeked out from her bedroom and rushed over him as soon as she saw he was actually there. 

"Hey sweatpea." Magnus kneeled down and gave Madzie a tender hug. "How are you? Did you have a bad dream?"

"No, a happy one. I rode on a dinosaur to the beach." She looked delighted. 

Magnus chuckled "That sounds quite adventurous, my dear." 

"Is Alec here too?  He promised me to read another chapter from the story. You know the one: 

 _'You're off to Great Places!_ _Today is your day!_  
_Your mountain is waiting._ _So get on your way!'_  

"Alec has to work, but never fear. Soon we'll stopp by again and of course our next famous slumber party is already on the horizon." 

Madzie turned to Cat, grinning: "See, I told you. Magnus and Alec throw the best parties. Will there be hot chocolate and will we stay up until Midnight again? Please Cat, can I visit them again?" 

"Midnight? Interesting..." Catarina raised her eyebrows at Magnus who looked like caught in the act. She decided to let the topic drop. "Soon, but for today your bed waits again, young lady. Maybe your dinosaur will take you for another ride." 

Madzie hesitated for a few moments like she was preparing to argue to stay up longer. 

But then she gave Magnus and Cat a quick kiss on their cheeks and danced off to her room. "Good night, sleep tight." 

They looked fondly after her without saying anything, until a small ringing noice interrupted the silence.  

"Alec is looking for me." Magnus smiled almost shyly after reading the incoming message.  

"Oh is that so? Off you go to your man." Catarina grinned back. Before parting she pulled him into a last hug and whispered softly: "Let it happen Magnus. After all those years and the heartaches you have been through, ...let it happen....let yourself come home." 


End file.
